Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
