My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
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You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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