What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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