I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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