Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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