Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
