Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
