He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
