Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
