Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
