I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
