I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
