Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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