I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
