Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hello my rib-scented angel!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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