watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
