Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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