Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
