Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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