Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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