I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
