i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
