I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
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My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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