I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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