I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
