Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
