remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey