pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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