Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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