If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
