You just made me feel so damn special
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
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You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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