I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
