I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
