My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
