I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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