I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
