if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
