he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
