It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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