You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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