I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
