Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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