I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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