I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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