so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
