i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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