So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
