he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
