i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
