remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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