Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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