I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
