I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
