Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
