you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
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It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize